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These days, it’s more common than ever for children to ask questions about gender—sometimes their own, sometimes the roles they see around them. It can start early, often before parents are ready to respond to such queries. And while some adults may worry that this is just a phase or something that needs to be “fixed,” the truth is: exploring gender is a natural part of how kids come to understand themselves and how they relate to the world around them.
Thus, how we respond to those questions matter. A lot.
Kids thrive when they feel heard, safe, and accepted. When parents and caregivers offer support instead of shame or silence, it can make all the difference to their mental health, confidence, and connection with others.
In recent years, more families have found themselves navigating questions they never expected their child to ask:
“Am I a boy or a girl?”
“Why do I feel different from other kids?”
“Can I use another name?”
“Why can’t boys wear dresses too?”
“Do all girls need to wear make-up and have long hair? What if I don’t want to?”
These are not signs of confusion or rebellion. They are meaningful expressions of how a child is coming to understand themselves. The goal for parents isn’t to have all the answers—it’s to create a safe space where those questions are welcomed, not feared.
How parents respond matters greatly. Research consistently shows that affirming and supporting a child’s identity—regardless of outcome—can protect their mental health and strengthen family connection.
Understanding Gender Development in Childhood
Children begin to understand the concept of gender (and the classifications within it) as early as age two, and many develop a stable gender identity by age four to six. During this time, it’s common for them to express themselves in gendered ways—through clothing, toys, language or behaviour—and even challenge what society says boys or girls “should” do. However, identity can continue to evolve throughout childhood and adolescence.
It’s helpful to distinguish between:
- Gender identity – a person’s internal sense of self, whether that is male, female, both, neither, or something beyond the binary.
- Gender expression – how someone presents their gender through clothing, behaviour, language, relationships and other preferences.
A boy who enjoys dolls or a girl who dislikes dresses isn’t necessarily expressing a different gender identity—but if a child is persistently, consistently, and insistently communicating a sense of self that differs from their assigned gender, it must be attended to with openness and compassion.
The Importance of Affirmation
Research consistently shows that affirming a child’s identity—regardless of where that exploration leads—protects their mental health and strengthens the parent-child bond. On the other hand, rejection, ridicule, or attempts to “correct” or suppress a child’s gender expression have been linked to increased rates of anxiety, depression, substance use, and suicidal ideation.
Supportive parenting doesn’t require perfect knowledge. It requires presence, patience, and love.
What Parents Can Do?
1. Listen with Curiosity and without Judgment
A child may not be looking for answers—they’re looking to feel heard. Stay open and curious:
“Thank you for telling me. Can you share more about how you’re feeling?”
Don’t assume or panic. Give the child space to explore. Ask open-ended questions:
“Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?”
This builds trust and allows the child to express themselves safely. Avoid assumptions or dismissals. Even if one feels uncertain; let the child know they’re safe being honest with you.
2. Affirm, Don’t Fix
A parent’s job isn’t to resolve or redirect always. It’s to affirm what the child is experiencing. Affirming a child’s experience doesn’t mean locking them into an identity. Even if the identity they’re exploring changes over time, the message they need to hear is:
“I love you no matter what. I’m here to support you as you figure things out.”
3. Use Chosen Names and Pronouns (If requested)
This isn’t about agreeing with everything—it’s about respect. Using the name and pronouns a child asks for, even temporarily, can have real protective effects on mental health. It will directly contribute to building a healthy self-image for the child.
If a child asks to be called by a different name or pronoun, try to honour that. It is okay to make mistakes, as long as you make space to correct them and affirm the child’s right to explore their gender on their own terms.
“Thanks for telling me. I’ll do my best, and I might make mistakes, but I want you to feel seen and heard.”
4. Seek Qualified Support
If a child is distressed or struggling, connect with a licensed mental health professional who has training in gender identity development. Avoid “conversion” efforts—these are unethical, harmful, and illegal in many jurisdictions.
Trying to ‘convert’ a child’s innate sense of self takes away their agency to make decisions for themselves. This will disempower the child’s sense of safety and confidence in coming years.
5. Create a Supportive Environment
Work with schools, family members, and community settings to ensure the child is respected and affirmed. A consistent message of support across environments reinforces their safety and confidence. Emotional safety is crucial—not only at home, but also in classrooms, playgrounds, and community spaces.
6.It’s okay to feel unsure
Many parents feel overwhelmed when their child expresses a gender identity they weren’t expecting. There are excellent books, support groups, and online resources available for parents navigating this journey. Connecting with others can provide reassurance and practical guidance.
One of the other important anchors of a child’s life is the school. If the school environment is not supportive for a child going through a period of questioning their identity, it can lead to lasting trauma. Very often we hear of teachers singling out children to punish or to comment on – acts of bullying which are ignored, other children being told to stay away from them by their parents. For a child who spends 4-5 hours in such an environment daily, it can prove to be a harrowing experience.
What teachers can do to help:
- Engage with the parents: Regular meeting with parents wherein you chalk out the child’s learning curve, discuss issues or any other concern would mean that all of you are working together, which in turn means that the child gets a uniform message of love and support at home and in school.
- Make sure you address the child, the way they want to be addressed and encourage the others to do so as well. Encourage the child to come to you in any case of bullying – verbal or physical. When they do come to you, act! So that the child feels heard.
- Speak to the class in simple age-appropriate language to explain what the child is going through and how they can support them.
- Avoid addressing your students as “Girls” or “Boys” e.g. “Boys and girls, take out your arithmetic books”. You could try “Let’s take out our arithmetic books” or “Everyone, we will be doing arithmetic today”.
- Be aware of assigning tasks based on gender e.g. “Boys, move the desks” “Girls, who will volunteer to clean the whiteboard?”.
- Often gender roles are reinforced by the environment around children. For instance, toys and colours have been assigned to male and female genders by the marketing companies. To break these gendered patterns, encourage your students to try out different toys and different kinds of play.
- Do try and create awareness about these issues in the staff meetings that are held in the school. Involve not only teachers, but administrative and assistive staff so that inclusive language and affirming behaviour is adopted all across the school.
Conclusion
The greatest gift one can give a child is the freedom to explore their identity, knowing that our love is unwavering.
It’s okay to feel uncertain. Parenting and teaching don’t come with a manual for these situations, and it’s normal to need time to adjust. What matters most is that the child knows we are listening, learning, and staying connected. We don’t need to have all the answers all the time. We just need to be there, open-hearted and willing to grow along with our children.
Written by Adv. Farzeen Khambatta & Asha DSouza Reviewed by Usri Basistha